Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
