also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
