shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
