There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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