My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
