Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
