man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
All the doctor said was why
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
