ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
