I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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