We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
