I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
