Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
