my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
