I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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