Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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