Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
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