It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
