I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
