if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
