just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
