There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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