why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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