then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
