Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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