Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
