I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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