my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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