dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
