I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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