Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
