We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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