fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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