mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We had sex on a dog bed..
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize