It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
