Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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