I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
