Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
