an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
