Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
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It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
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im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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