i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
