for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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