Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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