I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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