I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
