shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
