there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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