i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He had one of those small greek statue penises
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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