I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
