Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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