listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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