One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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