Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Four minutes until I can fart!
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
