Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
