Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
