Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
