why didn't you poke me back
Someone shit on the floor
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
