I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
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