You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
