your room smells of hookers.
And success
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
